a guy and a bee

if you ask me
how i’m doing
i would say, “i’m doing just fine.”
i would lie and say that you’re not on my mind.
(gavin degraw)

some of the most complicated relationships in life originate from ones family.  i am certainly no exception.  and even with the most challenging relationships, i would be hard-pressed to ever say that those people are not on my mind.  the mistakes we have all made.  the really good memories.  and the things that will never be forgiven.  over the past week, however, i have come to find the depths of complicated relationships and the true challenge in seeing the world in black and white.

as noted previously, i am honest and loyal to a fault.  i care much more than i should and think everything should be fair.  setting aside half of the fairness argument today, in my opinion, withholding information and/or asking people you “care about” to purposefully lie to people they care about on your behalf is wrong.  especially the person who you know wants to respect your wishes and be loyal to you and also needs to be completely honest to others.  it is truly not fair.  it hurts.  it leads to tears and devastation and a complete crisis of conscience.  which is more important . . . loyalty to the person who asked you to withhold information or being honest with the person you have been asked to lie to?

i made a purposeful choice a handful of years ago that i was not going to take sides in an argument that was tearing people apart.  now i feel like i am back in the middle and needing to make a choice.  i do not like it.  i am really sad.  and i really love my husband for the ice cream and shoulder and reassurance that at the end of the day there is no way i am going to be alone.  maybe if the world did not need to be so clear – black and white – and did not have to be fair all the time to me, this would be easier.

sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.  (adele)