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a collection of random thoughts and ideas from me, her, and sometimes us
August 6, 2019Posted by on
There’s this thing that pops up at the new year…something becomes a habit after 21 days. I always think about it, about the impact of the things that I have done for 21 days have shaped me. There are probably a few. One for sure…the 35 days that forever changed who I am as a person.
August 6 was our NICU release date. Zack posted recently on Facebook about a moment in time that resonates for him from our NICU time. It’s funny because one thing is common between us – we think of the 35 days we spent in the NICU often, at the strangest times, and each year it feels like a marathon to get from July 2 to August 6. I remember Zack’s moment, but I remember a lot of other things so clearly that the calm never comes. In those 35 days, I remember:
- Being cut open without anesthesia.
- The silence when BBA came out of me – from everyone in the room. Deafening silence: machines not humming, doctors not talking, shuffling of feet.
- The commotion when BBB was born, and then the silence.
- Going to recovery without holding either of my babies.
- Sitting alone while Zack was in the NICU trying to figure out what was going on.
- Fighting – literally – to be able to see (not hold, just see, through a box) BBA before he was taken to Hopkins.
- Being in one hospital with one baby when the other seemed so far away.
- Being released without either baby.
- Forgoing all painkillers post C-section just to be able to drive to two hospitals to see two babies.
- Being told BBB was coming home – and it happened.
- Midnight phone calls that something was awry with BBA.
- Jealousy that Zack could visit BBA at lunch everyday.
- Laying on the kitchen floor feeling very alone.
- Being told BBA was coming home – and it did not happen.
Since August 6, 2015, things have not been easy but we have had many amazing moments. The most wonderful highs of life and love and laughter. The greatest gifts of knowing who our family was. People who have surrounded us and helped us get to today. Friends who always answered our calls, even when months went by in between, and always gave us funnies. Family who has never faltered to watch our kids and give them experiences. I will never again be the person I was on July 1, 2015. I almost don’t even know who she was anymore. But my life now….I wouldn’t change it for the world. #whohasitbetterthanus